My first post

Well this is really exciting I guess, my first post and all. I opened my account a couple of days ago but couldn't think of anything to say that was worthy of being displayed on the net. Today is the right day, I have to vent my anger and frustration at nobody but myself.
I am a first year medical student and the whole stereotype of being supposedly being organized and extremely studious is a category I don't fit into at all. I haven't been for the epitome of academic excellence for about six years. I always work last minute, sometimes (or a lot of the times) I miss deadlines for essays or projects or I hand in incomplete work or better yet no work at all. And I go through the same pattern of crying and beating myself up about the situation and promising my self, that I will do better next time. I have carried on with this terrible habit for the past 6 six years.

I have talked to friends about it, teachers, counsellors, mum, brother, you name it and I think I have talked about my problem to about everyone who will listen. A dear friend of mine in a bid to encourage me,always says accepting and acknowledging you have a problem is the first step. Well I haven't progressed from this step, I haven't changed, I haven't improved. Whenever it seems I have repented (this period lasts for about a week), I find myself backsliding and converting back to my old ways. I miss lectures, tutorials, symposiums, practicals, I think I must be setting a record somewhere for the laziest medic ever. If sleeping was an olympic sport I would win a gold medal hands down.

I am just not motivated and focused enough, If anyone could offer a solution to my dilemma, I would be ever so grateful.Yes the reason I am venting today, is because I am stuck and the habit is about to ruin me again and I feel like I was having an internal breakdown. Call me a drama queen or whatever you want to, I have an essay due in a couple of days and I have important exams to prepare a few days after.

There is just so much pressure right now, and I am upset because it is my fault. Here I go again with this self-blaming cycle, and next thing would be making threats about quitting school, cause I don't feel I can hack it and I am not on top of my work.

Before logging on, I had to put my head between my legs and do some breathing exercises, because my chest felt tight and I just felt trapped in my room. I know I could use this time to do some of my essay,but I am having a writer's block. I feel completely powerless and time is not on my side at the moment.

If only I had started a few weeks ago, then maybe I wouldn't be in this pathetic situation. I apologise for my dreary post, believe this wasn't the first post I dreamt of. I had bigger dreams and ideas on how to launch myself. OOOh well things don't always happen the way you want them to.

Will keep you posted and let you know how far I get with my work, by the weekend. Hopefully the next post I deliver will be a lot cheerier.

Adios xx